Fears

Everyone has their own story. I have mine too. Some that are always be remembered, and a few that had been long time hiding deep in the memory land.

Growing up have bring me out from the past. A home that I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to have my own world living far behind the family.

Yesterday there has been another sleepless night, partly due to the caffeine in the morning? or maybe from the sound of a man shouting out loud all night long since after I back. Of course he is not pointing at me, I don't even know who is the guy. But the voice have brought my memory back in to my childhood. The part of life that I wish I never pass before.

Fears had arise last night. I am feeling to collapse anytime. Tired, yet sleepless.

There are really such a long time when it all happened. Dad and mum always argued even though it is just a small matter. Mum had psychological problem until she are too sensitive of anything. The first time that it really happening it is on the day I born. Reason? I am a girl, not a boy.

The traditional thinking for a family had brought her down to the hell. And it is how my life begins. With my mum got mad.

Last two weeks, when massage with dad, he told me another part of the story that I don't know. I am just a newly born baby, no body is there to take care of me, it is my grandma who brought me home and take care of me when see the situation. Dad was feeling helpless when taking care of the business, the wife and the children.

But years later, mum still not able to forgive herself, for not able to have a boy. Until, she always thought that grandma wanted her to die so that dad can have a new wife.

There is how the arguments started, part of my childhood are full with tears and fears. Even, mum just take me out from home and going no where. I am crying.

There are also times she was pointing to us, by thinking we are not respect to her, complain to dad and it is how we got beaten, both of them have a hard childhood when grow up too, with the low education they receive, they simply don't know how and what to do.

They do what they think is correct, when you do mistake, beat! scold!

We are asked to wake up early to help in the shop since young, they used to wake us up after they awake, then continue until they got fed up start with the beating again.

The sound is just like yesterday night, it awaken my memories, it made my heart beating really fast, it creates me the night where the fear come again.

Crying tonight after I have got my mind calm down.

#Everyone has got their past. Whether you falling into it or find a way out.

When look back, feel the LOVE still, yet if you never leave, you will just the way you used to be, or maybe worst.

#Creating a family is a little hardship for me if it really happen. I need to start from the beginning, to be a better me, and I do wish I love you the way you are, so do you. Most importantly, the communications that are needed to hold us tight.